Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I CAN MOONWALK!
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
