The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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