I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
