Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I didn't shave. On purpose
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize