She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Green mimosas i think yes
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
