My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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