May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
