I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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