I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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