my phone needs a breathalizer
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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