Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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