It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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