The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I got inside last night via doggy door
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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