Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Randomize
