Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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