my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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