Tell her she can't have a vagina
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
