Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
