I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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