I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
