She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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