Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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