We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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