Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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