just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
