These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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