Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
