Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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