hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
