1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
