discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
