she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize