At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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