May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
