I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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