Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize