I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
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