my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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