Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
