Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
