Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
