I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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