Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
