i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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