1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
