go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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