Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Your cock deserves a montage
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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