Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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