I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Randomize