my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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