Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
