this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
