Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
