what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
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