on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
