Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
